The Last Admit

I always thought I would grow up to be the kind of doctor
who always cared
who saw the person behind the patient
who was compassionate

But you are obese
noncompliant
whiny
complicated
the write-up will take forever

It is late
I am tired
and sick
funny how I dislike you most when I am most like you

I want to care
really care
but I want to go home more
it’s selfish
I know

But I’m not the only one
my resident doesn’t like you
I can tell
he’ll be here longer than me
and there’s a new baby at home

But he tries to find a way to care
the family history that’s not your fault
the recent death of your father
your husband’s health problems

He finds something about you
to want to fight for
even if he can’t stand you
he’s on your side

He does it without trying
probably every day
you have to believe
you’re on the right side of the battle

I hear talk of the art of medicine
seems to me it’s more like figuring out what to do
when you don’t know the answer
or don’t care

That’s the thing about this year
in between feeling stupid all the time
overwhelmed and in the way
in between the pimping
and the unending rounds and lectures
in between learning how to act like a doctor
talk like a doctor
write like a doctor
you start to learn how to be a doctor

- Jill Sindt